I recently received a text citing a friend doing something that was hard for him, and struggling with it. “It’s ok, though,” said the text, “he’s powering through it.” 

“Blech,” I thought to myself. Then I typed “Is that really actually good, though?”.  And then I deleted it, because nobody was asking for my opinion and it wasn’t time to start a whole big thing over text. And now I’m writing a blog post about it. So here it is:

I hate the term “powering through.” It’s right up there with “snowflake” and “get over it” as my least favorite unhelpful things to say to or about someone. And looking around the therapy world, people seem to be “powering through” stuff left and right. Am I missing something about how great this supposedly is? 

Here’s why I think we should reconsider the achievement that is “powering through it”:

 Powering Through Rushes Us Past Important Experiences.

One of my favorite speakers, Glennon Doyle, says of bearing witness to a friend’s pain: “When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don’t try to take it away…Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They’re sacred. They are part of each person’s journey.”

We live in a culture in which efficiency and quickness feel essential to our success. We feel we need to do everything faster and better in order to keep up with one another (what does that even mean?), and we often rush past our own emotional experiences without really being in touch with our inner lives at all. In order to maintain the status quo (going to work, performing our duties, keeping up with our homes and the cooking and our exercise routines, etcetera), we compartmentalize difficult feelings, pushing them aside to be dealt with at a later time, which sometimes ends up being…never. I believe this Ito be one of the most significant way that human beings cheat ourselves: We resist touching base with the rich wisdom stirring inside of us, and miss out on the lessons of life – the ones gained via the journey that we take within. 

I don’t know about you, but the parts of my life in which I’ve learned and grown the most have been the sticky parts – the parts that required reflection, time, tears, humility, and some amount of discomfort. There’s been plenty of wisdom in the joyous parts, too, but the most authentic elements of myself have sprung from sitting with my fear, my doubt, my anger, and my grief. I now have immense gratitude for the difficulties I’ve endured. And trust me, it all sucked at the time. 

Powering Through is Management, Not Healing. 

I frequently get calls from potential clients seeking “management tools.” This must be a hot button phrase that was mentioned somewhere and picked up by the general public, because when I ask what a caller is looking for from therapy, more times than not I’ll hear a version of it: “tools to get through the school day,” or “ways to manage my fears,” or “stress management techniques.”  Basically, we want a way to deal with whatever emotional experience we’re having without creating any disruption in our often over-scheduled lives. We want to manage. 

That’s one thousand percent fair, and honestly, powering through our scary emotions and experiences is a good way to get there. The problem is, it’s a shortcut, and shortcuts don’t often lend themselves to lasting change. If we wish to simply survive, we can power through indefinitely, until we are managing so many things that we become overwhelmed, or sick, or burnt out, (or all of the above), and are forced to take a break and examine ourselves. When we get there, however we get there, we arrive at a place of stillness – of no longer powering through anything. And when we do that, we give ourselves the space to stop the managing, and to start healing. 

Where management ignores, healing listens. Where management is hard, healing is pliable. Where management is isolating, healing provides community. Where management holds on tight, healing lets go. Where management is painful, healing is…well, often also painful, but ultimately, soothing. 

If we feel we must power through, there’s no shame in that. But (and) it’s the healing that will set us free. 

Powering Through is Mean.

I can’t think of a more eloquent way to put it, so I’ll just state it plain – pushing ourselves through difficult emotions and experiences without taking any time to examine and process them is disrespectful, and downright mean to ourselves. Feelings come up for a reason, and they are always trying to help us, even when they do it in misguided or unhelpful ways. 

Whether it’s telling us to be afraid because there’s a lion in front of us about to bite our head off, or creating fear of something benign due to a phobia that’s developed because of a previous trauma is irrelevant. Either way, the intent is positive: parts of us are seeking to protect us from something they deem potentially harmful. We don’t need to dismiss their messages as “stupid” or brush them off because they are “irrational,” because by doing so we are basically bullying ourselves and reinforcing a pattern of ignoring our instincts. Instead, we can choose to acknowledge the message or feeling (in this example, fear or anxiety), appreciate it for coming up to guide us, and make a determination from our center (core, Self) as to whether or not to do what it’s telling us to do. No bullying, shaming, or powering through required. 

And so…

Because of the dictates of our fast-paced culture and very busy lives, it can be incredibly difficult to find the time really get in touch with ourselves and feel our feelings, especially the yucky and uncomfortable ones. At times, we might opt to power through a feeling or experience, ignoring the messages the mind and body are sending our way. Doing this once might be a nod to the stress that is daily living. Doing this over and over, however, cuts us off from vital parts of ourselves, and disables our ability to truly learn and grow through the pain of life. 

Source: psychcentral.com

Your kids have been sick, money is tight, and you’ve determined that this holiday season, travel just isn’t in the cards. Or maybe you aren’t able to afford the gifts that are expected for all your cousins. Perhaps you’re emotionally drained and can’t rally to make it to that office party. Or you’ve heroically mustered the colossal courage to tell your in-laws to go easy on the gift-giving for the grandkids this year. Whatever the boundar(ies) you’ve set during this difficult season, you’ve finally done it – you’ve asserted yourself and prioritized your own wants and needs! 

And now you feel terrible about it. 

Guilt abounds during the holidays. In the therapy room, my clients routinely share their worries about disappointing or hurting others should they choose to set boundaries. Because the clients with whom I work generally have giant hearts and are very sensitive to the needs of those around them, they are often inclined to set their boundaries aside in order to avoid the hurt they believe their boundary-setting might cause. Sometimes, they choose not to set the boundary, opting instead to swallow their stress in order to avoid the very real discomfort that is Guilt. 

Here’s the deal with Guilt: When Guilt pops up, it usually is trying to remind us that it wants us to be good, loving, giving, generous people. It desperately wants to avoid hurting the people that we love by disappointing them or making them think we don’t want to spend time with them. Guilt either doesn’t realize that our own boundaries are important for our health and well-being, or it discounts this fact because, to Guilt, the people we love and care about often come before ourselves. Guilt says, we should be able to push through this for the good of (insert anyone’s name here). Suck it up!

It’s a very well-intentioned Monster (as Monsters tend to be). It just goes about reminding us of who we want to be in a way that isn’t always helpful (as Monsters tend to do). How do we wrangle with this Monster? Well, we don’t. We take good care if it.

To take care of our Guilt, we first need to validate that the boundaries that we wish to set are coming from a valuable place within us. Often, it’s our gut that tells us when something feels wrong. When we hear that little tug inside our bellies (or our heads, or hearts, or wherever that tug is coming from) saying “not this year”, we can respect ourselves by giving the tug time to surface and share it’s concerns. Sometimes, when we give those concerns some attention, we realize that they are, in fact, very valid. An obvious example might be if we are anxious about visiting with a relative that is emotionally abusive. Another might be a reasonable concern about finances and gift-giving.

Whatever the nature of the concern, we often already have an awareness inside of us of the boundary that we’d like to set to address it, and we can take the time to hear that out, too. Then, mindfully, intentionally, and from that centered place inside of us, we can make the decision as to whether or not we wish to set the boundaries that are being asked of us, by that tug inside of ourselves (still with me?).

And then we can take care of Guilt. Here’s what that might look like:

“Oh hey, Guilt. Thank you for reminding me that I want to be a good human and not hurt anybody in my life. I appreciate that input, and I agree – I don’t want to do that, either! Now listen, you aren’t going to love this, but I’ve decided to set a boundary around gift-giving this year because I want to be responsible and take good care of my family’s finances. I realize that grandmom might really struggle with this boundary, and I’ll probably get some pushback from my sisters, too. That’ll be hard for you, but don’t worry. I’m competent and I can handle it in a way that is kind and respectful. Here’s how: I’ll tell grandmom about the boundary, that I love and appreciate her, and that the decision is coming from a place of reason for my family, not any animosity towards her. I’ll let my sisters know that I’m happy to contribute homemade gifts this year because I want to participate with the family, but also must honor myself and my situation. And, if anybody tries to poke at you, Guilt, I’ll let them know that I’ve made my decision, and that the boundary isn’t up for discussion”.

I know this practice isn’t easy. Taking good care of Guilt is capital-H Hard, and we might ultimately fail to help Guilt feel secure enough to set the boundary. And that’s okay, too. Even allowing for Guilt to get it’s needs met from time to time, when it feels very difficult to do otherwise, is an act of self-kindness. Baby steps, always.

And so…

Guilt can be a really difficult Monster to wrangle with, especially during the holiday season. My recommendation is always to stop the wrangling altogether. End the internal battle, and instead focus on what needs attending to within ourselves. We can choose self-care and remain good humans; we can prioritize our wants and needs and still show love and kindness to our people. And our Guilt will learn to trust us over time, when we take good care of it.

Source: psychcentral.com